The Cost of an Eating Disorder.
It’s rare to hear a story about someone who willingly signs up to have an eating disorder. Sure, you hear the god-awful jokes about people wishing they could “have the willpower” that people with eating disorders have. But for the most part, people typically don’t wake up one day and think “I’m going to obsess about food 100% of the time and cut down on my food intake as much as possible.” This is why eating disorders are so prevalent, pervasive, and just downright sneaky…because no one randomly just chooses to have one.
Typically it starts out with a diet. Now, why you start the diet might vary. But you have decided the way your body looks at this moment in time is not okay. It needs to be changed and the one way you could actually tangibly change your body is by dropping a few pounds. You then probably know the rest of the story…you maybe start restricting a little bit more, exercising more, maybe even start binging and/or purging. All of a sudden you wake up one day and you think “how the hell did this happen.”
You suddenly realize you are so angry at the world, always feeling defensive, and feeling the only way to have some bite-size piece of control is to focus on your weight. Because you know how it feels to feel in control around food, and you want more and more of it until it’s the only thing you are focused on.
Your body is probably exhausted. It’s not getting enough food, it’s being worked too hard at the gym, and it feels harder and harder to actually get through the tasks of each day. But you keep on going, keep on restricting, purging, exercising….because for some reason, it feels like there is this promised land, that if you just lose enough weight, everything will have been worth it. Your anxiety will disappear! Your parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce? Don’t sweat, it’s going to be okay!
Your relationships start to suffer. You feel like no one understands you so you start ignoring calls and texts. You avoid social gathering because of the anxiety around eating in front of others or fear you might binge if you're put in front of food you didn’t intricately and deliberately plan. People stop reaching out because you aren’t responding. Your performance at work starts to decline. You aren’t able to focus in meetings and you start forgetting tasks. Romance? No way! You can't have a romantic relationship until you meet your “goal” weight. You have lost everything and have gained nothing. The only thing left is you and your eating disorder.
Unfortunately, with time, you will realize this “promise land” feels farther and farther away. And now you’re stuck in the middle of the desert with what feels like no way out.
You have given up everything for your eating disorder. More than you probably even realize.
I know it might feel like you have dug yourself so far into a hole and there is no way out. I promise, there is a way out. The way out isn’t the way you might’ve hoped. Full recovery doesn’t mean keeping one foot in your eating disorder and one foot out. It means getting out of the hole and doing your best to leave it behind and knowing if you do fall back in, you can always get out.
You cannot do this alone. I know your eating disorder has told you otherwise, that you can only trust yourself. But if we are really going to kick your eating disorder’s ass, you need to realize your eating disorder doesn’t actually have your best intentions in hand, it is only focused on keeping itself alive. By reaching out and receiving support, you are choosing to take away some of the power from your eating disorder. By letting the people you trust help you, you will slowly start to see the path out of the hole you’re in. Is it a leap of faith? Of course! Is it going to feel uncomfortable? Yup! But I would argue that living with your eating disorder is probably uncomfortable too.
Start with baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a bunch of small decisions that add up in a big way.
Are you having trouble knowing how to create a support system?
Revive Therapy in Philadelphia would love to be that support system for you! I, Hannah Guy, LCSW, specialize in treating eating disorders and trauma and would love to walk alongside you on your journey to recovery! You deserve a space to understand your eating disorder and how to start fighting it! Whether this is your first time in therapy or you’ve been here before, I am here to help you process, work through, and move toward your goals in a healthy and sustainable way. If you’re looking for other services at Revive Therapy in Pennsylvania, I offer other services. This includes PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, body image issues, binge eating, and more. I offer support with EMDR therapy if you’re in need of more specialized support. Additionally, all services are offered via online therapy in Pennsylvania. When you’re ready for support. Call now!