4 Reasons Why Things May Get Worse Before They Get Better
By: Salima Shah
Change takes time.
It also takes self-efficacy, commitment, support, accountability, and self-compassion. Many people understand how these contribute to long-term healing and growth. However, many people embarking on this journey are not aware that the immediate results seem worse before reaping the rewards of “the work”. What causes road bumps along the way? Why does it feel as if everything is falling apart before it all falls in place? The intensified distress feels consuming, and that alone can stop people in their healing process. It’s important to learn how life transitions, old beliefs, and stages of change are involved in those impossible moments. You are not going “crazy” (yuck, I hate that word), you are not losing all your progress, and you are not hopeless. You are human.
We aren’t fully in control
As much as we would like to have control over life events, the world simply doesn’t work that way. Transitions are a part of what makes life both beautifully and tragically complex: new job, career change, becoming a parent/caregiver, moving, graduating, redirection in relationships, and health-related issues. On a good day, these life transitions are attached to stressors. Healing is in an ebb and flows much like our life events. Adapting to new circumstances requires more emotional and mental energy. It makes sense that when change is co-occurring externally and internally, it demands both to a much higher degree. Those are the moments when coping tools and shifts in mindset are put to the test. It is no longer on our terms in stable environments. Life becomes demanding when learning how to become a parent, moving from academia to the real world, completing endless training for a new job, seeking guidance when a sense of purpose is lost, complying with treatments and re-centering life around health, and finding connection or forgiveness with a loved one. It becomes all too tempting to do what feels familiar in order to cope, and maybe we do exactly that. However, those are not periods of “weakness”, but humanness.
Reverting back to old habits
Repeating past behaviors or perspectives feels even more defeating when there’s more awareness. There’s a greater feeling of shame and guilt. Unhelpful beliefs start to surface: “things will always be this way”, “I don’t deserve this”, “I’m not enough”, and “I’m broken”. These beliefs feel heavier than they once did because time passes without them poking into the corners of our minds. These words feel foreign yet familiar, and they transform from background thoughts to our immediate consciousness. This state of mind feels worse than it did before because of the heightened introspection. That same self-awareness brings us back to reframing those old beliefs and strengthening more adaptive skills. It is not back to “ground zero”, the foundation of all the inner work is still there. Over time, it’s practiced with more ease, knowledge, and self-compassion.
Unrealistic Expectations
When moving through changes, transitions, or periods of growth, many of us have the expectation we should adapt without feeling intense disruption or distress. Having the expectation that things will run smoothly during periods of change is more damaging than helpful. A more realistic and appropriate goal is knowing that we tend to go back to more negative coping skills when things get hard. This doesn’t mean it’s permanent though, it gives you the opportunity to explore the distress surrounding this change and come out the other side more able and prepared to deal with the hardships of life. There is this thing many therapists are taught in school about how to better understand how people make changes in their lives. It’s called the Stages of Change Model.
There are 5 stages to this model: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse (or lapse).
Pre-contemplation is when the behavior or mindset is active without a desire for change.
Contemplation involves desire and motivation.
Preparation involves collecting resources, knowledge, and support.
Action is defined as practicing new behaviors and mindset.
relapse/lapse is a temporary period in which previous coping skills and perspectives resurface.
Relapse is a big part of this model that often isn’t acknowledged but when it shows up people are often left feeling ashamed, hopeless, anxious, etc. It is completely normal to experience those temporary periods, adding shame and guilt extends this period along with suffering. It is also normal to move back and forth between the stages of change. Again, self-compassion and patience are key in the healing journey. It will feel worse before it gets better, so allow yourself some grace.
Begin Working With An Online Therapist in Philadelphia, PA
Coping with change and setting realistic expectations for one’s self is easier said than done. This is why our team of caring therapists is happy to offer in-person and online support across Pennsylvania. You deserve to have the right support through major transitions and Revive Therapy Services would be honored to provide it. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Meet a caring therapist
Start receiving in-person or remote mental health support!
Other Services Offered With Revive Therapy
Our team understands you may be experiencing a variety of mental health concerns. This is why we are happy to offer mental health services in support of our clients. These services include eating disorder treatment, PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, body image issues, binge eating, and more. I offer support with EMDR therapy if you’re in need of more specialized support. Additionally, all services are offered via online therapy in Pennsylvania. When you’re ready for support, give us a call!